Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The space between

In the space between plans is where my most precious birthday gift came to me, wearing my ivory wedding gown and bare feet.  The space between a sweaty, smiley Zumba Fitness class in the morning; homemade breakfast in our dining room, peering out the front window at the sunny January day; a spin on the Great Wheel that sits on one of the waterfront piers with a view of the ferry boats coming and going, the Space Needle and gleaming downtown buildings, the frosted wooden planks far below and the Olympic mountains across the water, giggling and kissing up high in our private gondola; and a late showing of Lincoln, a tub of popcorn between us.  

I rummaged through the closet, looking for something else to put on, and my hands reached out to finger the plastic bag hanging in the back for over eight months now.   My hands, ahead of my heart, carried the bag from the closet and laid it across our bed, unzipping it.  A surge of memory coursed through, even back decades, to when I was a child and how it felt to uncover something precious, a piece of my mom's history.  Like discovering treasure.

 

Before I could change my mind, the dress came off the hanger and hung gracefully at my feet, waiting for me to slip carefully inside.  Several pounds of ivory, lace and silvery beads, covered my body with memory.  I breathed a little sigh of relief, this snug thing still fits just so, and zipped it up the back.  Right as he walked in.

The first time he saw me in this dress, I was probably thirty feet away, at the end of an aisle on the crook of my mom's arm.  I limped down the church aisle in a walking boot that more than peeked out beneath my dress, masking the pain with a steady supply of prescription pain pills.  I wish I remembered what his face looked like, but I do remember tears forming in the corners of my eyes.  

 

We made it, my heart sung. Even through all this.

And now I stood before him again, three steps away, and he smiled quizzical at first, and then, his eyes sparkled.  

"For my birthday," I said, "Will you dance with me?  I want to know what it's like to dance with you on two good feet, in my wedding dress..."

We played songs on his iPhone, the internet connection cutting in and out, but we laughed and kept dancing.  Finally, the song that carried me down the aisle to him, swept us up in each other's arms.  Eight months of heart-rending hard to get to here, and here we danced barefoot, while tears of gratitude sprung fresh in my eyes. 

Hope. 

The dress came off, slowly, a dance in itself, dropping to my feet.  And here in the embrace of forgiveness, we started over.


Linking up with Heather King and the talented Tuesday's Just Write crew.  Also, joining Emily Wierenga for Imperfect Prose, the prompt being "Encourage" - which is what I hope this post does for those, like me, who strain for redemption and hope in our marriage stories.    


16 comments:

  1. Wow. Just wow. What a gorgeous, heart-piercing piece. And what a beautiful moment. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Why, thank you, Jade... I'm really touched by your words. I visited your blog, and wow, it's deep and colorful and moving, on so many levels. Looking forward to exploring it...

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  2. Wow, Amber. My goodness gracious. This is the most beautiful story of redemption, dear one. Your dress. You. The dance. The forgiveness. All of it. I have chills. That was extraordinary. And what a glorious birthday gift. I love you, friend.

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    1. Ashley, your words are so kind and they warm my heart. I don't usually share more intimate things like this (even though it was super tame), but it felt like a story that needed to be told. Thank you for hearing it, friend. I love you, dear one.

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  3. And that song....I just listened to it. Ahh, sheer beauty.

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    1. Yeah... this song gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes each time I hear it.

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  4. Really beautiful...all. Beauty for ashes, yes? The dress - sigh, the meaning...all beauty.

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    1. Thank you, Dawn... yes, beauty for ashes is a wonderful way of capturing this :-)

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  5. you have captured the moment, the beauty, memories joy and victory...

    catching my breath

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    1. It was a joy to share this moment - thank you for taking the time to stop by here and hear my story.

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  6. Gorgeous! Makes me want to dance. May you share countless more steps with your sweet man in the years to come.

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    1. Alicia, thank you for your sweet words! I hope you dance!

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  7. stunning, friend. truly. i love that you let the moment take you away. that you danced. xo

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    1. Emily, thank you, again, for being here. For hearing my story. xoxox

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  8. maybe marriages that endure are made up of such moments. the starting -over kind. someone has said that a good marriage is just two good forgivers. i think that's true.
    nice to meet you, Amber. :)

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    1. How profound is that statement, Kelli - maybe marriages that endure are mode up of such moments, the starting-over kind. Yes, friend... I think you're so right, and I'm going to continue to let those words sink in. It's so good to meet you, too :-)

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