Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Just Write: Must I write?

"Go into yourself.
Find out the reason that commands you to write;
see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart;
confess to yourself whether you would have to die
if you were forbidden to write.
This most of all: 
ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night:
must I write?
Dig into yourself for the deep answer.
And if this answer rings out in assent,
if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple
I must,"
then build your life in accordance with this necessity."

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a young poet

It's taken me only thirty years, multiple job experiences and two degrees to recognize and embrace the thing I once knew as a child: I am an artist.  Wired to create.  And the temptation is there, to look back on my years with a critical eye, a dose of regret, re-creating my path in my mind, so it didn't take so long to find my way back here.  So I was, in my estimation, better equipped and qualified by education to be the artist I am made to be. 

Except, here I am.  A barista with a blog and a Master's in counseling and no paid writing gigs to speak of.

But, my journey is for a purpose, just as it's been written.  I can't tamper with the past, but I can embrace what I know today to the best of my ability and purpose to say yes to those opportunities that come to me in the future and ask to be written, as one of my favorite authors expressed:


"I believe that each work of art, whether it is a work of great genius,
 or something very small, 
comes to the artist and says,
 'Here I am. 
 Enflesh me.  Give birth to me.' " 
~ Madeleine L' Engle, Walking on Water
photo credit
And I know, now, not to quench this inner thirst that compels me to create with words; that I am a better person when I listen to this, when I write as I was created to.  Some may refer to this as a 'hobby' if it is not supported by an income or full-time work, but I know better.  I know that writing is more a part of who I am than what I do, that I finally learned that I don't need a title or position, paycheck or publication, to validate this truth.

I've dug deep and sat in the silent hour of the night and asked the question, and I know - I write because I must.  Because stopping my words would be no easier than plugging a dam with a cork, and I cannot.  In a very real sense, a part of me would die.

So this year, I ask another question: What will I do to say yes, to nurture what's been entrusted to my care as an artist?

And not because I need to - to prove myself or secure my worth - but because it's time to move forward, even a few steps, I'm going to begin writing separate pieces for a book.  Not here, on this blog, but on my own.  For years, the apparent lack of direction for a book to write has held me back from even trying.  It's only now I'm reevaluating, to step out and test the belief that inspiration comes during the work, not before, and that the book I set out to write and the book that needs to be written may look very different.  But venturing out into this unknown takes courage and humility and a sense of openness, to be taught by the very work itself.
photo credit
It's taken the past three years of the life of this blog to start to find my voice - and it's still emerging - but I know myself as a writer better than I did when I first started here, with Beautiful Rubbish.

I can't say I know where this will lead in the next year, but simply choosing to build my life in accordance with this necessity is the first step of what may be a long adventure.


Joining back up for another year with a favorite blogger-writer of mine, Heather King, and the talented Tuesday's Just Write crew.  Also, joining up at Emily Wierenga's inspiring blog for my first Imperfect Prose post.

20 comments:

  1. Amber, I am so proud of you! As one who reads your words, yes, friend, indeed you MUST write! I cannot wait to see what comes of this book writing adventure. Maybe we can talk some about this sometime. I am feeling lots of these stirrings myself and not sure what to do with them. Anyway, in addition to loving you claiming your voice, I also love your embracing of your journey. No apologies there. All of it has helped prepare you and inform you for what's next.
    I don't know if you read Emily Wierenga. Her blog is Imperfect Prose, and she is amazing. She has a link up every Thursday called Imperfect Prose. Tomorrow (Thursday's) prompt for linking up a piece is "create," so really do link this up there. You can tonight (Wednesday), even.
    She is found here: http://www.emilywierenga.com
    Sending love to you, friend.

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    1. I thought about you, actually, when I wrote this, and had a hunch you could relate to this. You have so much inside you, friend, and I know I would be thrilled to see it in print somehow - or whatever form it took - because you have a beautiful voice and your art is so alive. I would love to talk with you about this sometime, and just having each other to bounce ideas off and encourage/support each other in our ventures of faith and obedience is a gift, too. Thank you for your support - I was just thanking God for you the other day, and praying his breath of life and joy into your year.

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  2. I'm so proud of you, Amber. You are doing what you were created and gifted to do. Keep pursuing your passion and trust your Heavenly Papa to guide your footsteps. It will come.
    Love you so much, sweetie.
    Mom

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    1. Mom, you bless me so much with your unwavering support and belief in me. I love you, very much, and I thank you for all your encouragement and prayers.

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  3. I love this! I love this! I love this! And even though I don't see you (or many of my friends) right now... you hold a special place in my heart! You have such a beautiful spirit. Bless you my friend. - Amy Turnbull

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    1. Oh, Amy, thank you. So much. Your words touch my heart. You hold a special place in my heart as well, even though I don't get to see you very often. Love to you, friend.

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  4. As a member of Emily's writing team at Imperfect Prose, welcome and I'm so glad you linked up for the first time. It's a pleasure to read your words. And I see my reflection there. Especially this: inspiration comes during the work, not before. So lovely to meet you and I'm right there with you, diving in to write a book this year. May God bless the process He gives to our obedience. Hope to see you in the link up again next week.

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    1. Thank you, Shelly! I have been to your blog and read your lovely words several times, and I'm always blessed by your gift and your heart. I hope this year of diving into writing a book is filled with inspiration and growth and enjoyment as you create, in faith. Blessings to you.

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  5. So proud of you, Amber. May God bless you as you endeavor on this new journey. God has blessed you with so many gifts, and writing is definitely one of them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and know you are loved!

    Aunt Angie

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  6. oh friend, i'm SO glad you linked up at imperfect prose. i love your profile picture at the top of the blog, and i love that you are trusting God with your gifts, that you are an artist, and that you are inviting the spirit to direct your path. bless you.

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    1. Emily, I've read your writing for awhile and our mutual friend, Ashley Larkin, led me to Imperfect Prose. I always come away from reading your words with a lot of thoughts in my heart, in the best sort of way, and I so appreciate both your boldness and your humility. As you embark on another leg of your writing and life journey this year with the new book you're working on, I pray the Spirit's healing continues to go down deep and release you into more fullness. Bless you, too, friend.

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  7. I'm so glad I stepped onto your blog today. I'm stopping by via EO just write. Why does it take so long to accept the gift that has been given? We go this way and that denying we have a special gift or that, that gift needs attention.
    I'm so glad you are following your writing heart - it is a journey and I'm glad I get to watch you grow.

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    1. Sara, I'm really the one who's glad you stopped by here. I don't know why it takes so long to accept these gifts we've been given, but I'm thankful as long as we're still alive, it's never too late - amen?

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  8. I am so glad that I found you, and that you found me! (I meant to write earlier but sick babies have kept me from my computer). I love this little peek into your heart, and I can't wait to keep getting to know you!

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    1. Sorry to hear of your sick little ones, Brenna :-( It's such a privilege to be able to peek into each other's hearts, I think, as writers, and this inspires me more to be courageous. I'm glad we found each other, too!

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  9. I am chewing on these words hard: "to step out and test the belief that inspiration comes during the work, not before, and that the book I set out to write and the book that needs to be written may look very different. But venturing out into this unknown takes courage and humility and a sense of openness, to be taught by the very work itself." I am feeling them between my teeth and tasting them salty and tantilizing.

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    1. Good, Karmen, good. Keep chewing on them. Me, too - I'm still testing them - and there's a lot of room for growth this year as writers, eh?

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  10. Just taking some time to read some of your posts. I am inspired by this. AlwYs I journal. I know why I do that. And in waves between "messy" I create and shRe some of it for my blog. I used to think I wrote free verse but a poetry group said I write spiritual reflections. A writing instructor in an essay class said I write poetic prose. I really don't know what I write. It's just that it has something to do with me " noticing" Gods activity and writing about it and a photo to help mr remember. We have a vacation of the quiet sort coming up in another week. This seems like a good question to ponder more - why do I bother w blog. Sign me " sleepless in Chicago"

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