Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Tales of beauty from the rubbish heap: When redemption looks a lot like a daughter



For more than four years, this blog has been my space of storytelling. Where I come and lay out the trail of crumbs from Then to Now, evidence of beauty emerging from what I like to call the rubbish heap of life. But it's always been in the back of my mind, how I want this space to be more. I long for it to be a home for your stories, too, somehow, not only in the comments section. I envision this grand, limitless book where we're all contributing pages of our redemption stories-in-process, witnesses to the pain and the glory, the searching and the finding. And I'm so happy, dear friends, to tell you that I'm starting something new this month of May. I've invited four writer friends to contribute stories each week of the month, their tales of beauty from the rubbish heap. I hope it's only the beginning of a bigger story being told here on this blog.

And now, I want you to meet someone I greatly admire, for the beauty and resilience of her spirit and the way she sees and loves and makes art. The first time I met her, we were in the fifth grade, still climbing trees, playing dress up and creating worlds with our imaginations. The next time I found her was in this online world, and she was a gorgeous grown woman with a breathtaking daughter and a burgeoning photography business.  This woman exudes grace and weaves stories through photography that stir a place beyond words, drawing out the magical and majestic essence of everyday life through the eyes of an artist who doesn't miss what the real treasure is. And to top it off, she is also a compelling storyteller with her words.  You can lose yourself for hours in her work over at Simply Splendid, but for now, it's my honor to introduce my friend, Marla Cyree.


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Mother’s Day 2014 was a lovely and relaxing day spent with my daughter on one of the prettiest days of the year we’ve had yet, but it was also a day rippled with internal conflict.  Why would I be conflicted on a glorious and relaxing spring day celebrating mothers across the nation?  Reason: in no way did I want to connect with my own mother on Mother’s Day.  Admittedly, I did send her a little note card the Friday before. In it I wrote, “Happy Mother’s Day Mom.  I hope you have a nice day.  Love, Marla.”  Basically the most generic of greetings lacking in personal tribute or sincerity.  After writing it out, it sat on my desk and I wrestled with myself internally about the whole thing.

--You must send it.  It’s the right thing to do.

--On the other hand, is it unkind to send such a note?  Is there anything better I could have said instead?

--No.  Anything else would be forced and contrived.

--If you don’t send it, surely you will have to call her on Mother’s Day...

So off to the post office I went with my little card that contained a pathetic attempt at a nice Mother’s Day greeting.  But my duty was done and she would be appeased.

This isn’t how I really want my relationship with my mother to be at this point in my life, but it is better than it has been in times past.  I’m actually not even sure if better is the right word, but surely to the standards of others, the sort of contact we have is better than no contact at all?  It feels lacking in honor though.  So I grapple with how do I extend honor to a woman who has been hurtful and hateful towards me the majority of my life.  How do I protect myself and have safe boundaries, yet have affection toward her when just days before she tore into me about what a horrible, unkind, selfish person I was... that she would almost rather that I was never born than be the person I am today?  The woman who sent me 20 text messages at 2:30am just nights before, angry about a thing I said to her 30 years ago (I’m only 32) and what a trial I’ve made her life since I was born.  I’m still hearing the same story about how I ruined her life... the one I’ve been hearing since I was 4 years old.  What do I do with it all at this point?  I still don’t know, after all these years, I still really don't know.

One of the first commandments was “to honor your father and mother.”  Over and over again the Bible offers verses and commandments where God has told us to honor and obey our parents.  It even promises that when we do honor our parents that life “will go well for us” and that it is pleasing to Him when we honor them. The Bible also offers many consequences for when we don’t--like trouble and death for instance.  How do I honor her? I feel as though I’m in this stalemate position.  I know God sees her hurt and my hurt and is broken-hearted for us.  I know this is not His vision or desire for us.  Yet it remains and I feel that any way I turn is at the point of a knife nearly piercing my flesh.  It hurts. Being her daughter hurts... even at 32.  Perhaps what I have to offer at this time is honoring.  I don't know really.  It isn't how I'd like it to be, but maybe it's enough.  It's certainly all I have to give at this time.

How am I managing our relationship right now?  First, I choose to peacefully not engage with her when she is hurtful.  Do her words still hurt?  Yes.  Is it effective?  I'm not sure.  Secondly, I pray for her and for us.  It is hard.  I have found it to be a struggle to sincerely pray for someone who feels like my enemy.  It’s not easy and I tend to get easily distracted during that time, so I could be better at this.  Third, I try really hard to have grace for her.  Over and over and over again.  I remember where she’s come from, what she struggles with, I have compassion.  I  I try to extend little olive branches at arms length, even if I don’t feel inclined or want to.  Lastly, I forgive her.  Forgiveness seems like a sticky thing.  I have to keep doing it--for things she’s done, things she hasn’t done, and things she continues to do.  But the forgiveness has been the most life-giving part.  It has kept me from bitterness and has allowed me to be different than her, thanks to God’s grace.  I am so glad He can see my heart and that He loves me, that He saved and rescued me from my despair so I can be who I am today.  I am beyond grateful that He has sustained me and helped me see beyond my circumstances, beyond my mother.  I am grateful for His redemption, that the enemy hasn’t won despite attempts to break me.  I am grateful for the hope He has given me since I was a very small girl.  And I am grateful that He has always been with me, that He has held me through all my hurt, that He caught every grief-stricken tear.

I used to wish for a different family, a different mother.  I would imagine myself as a new person and create a whole new life for myself.  I fantasized about what it would feel like to belong to that different family, to live in that life.  Each imagined family was peaceful and loving, uplifting and kind.  These fantasies brought momentary solace to my shattered heart, but only offered a short-lived peace, as fantasies do I suppose.  

As much as I’d just love a really great mother, the birth of my own daughter has felt like the realization of my dream for a new family.  I see my beautiful, healthy, and very special relationship with my daughter as a sort of redemption.  I am far from perfect, but I am a great mother.  I have learned so much from watching other great mothers and by knowing what not to do by my own mother’s example (and if that is the only positive result, I'm content with that).  My daughter is so very loved, and not a moment in her life has she ever thought otherwise. Our family is peaceful and loving, uplifting and kind, and she is completely secure in those values.  It brings me true joy to know that she will never feel what I have felt and I praise God there is a new legacy starting from the two of us!  And deep down I know it is God’s heart for true healing between my mother and me.  I’d love to see that also.  I honestly don’t know what that looks like anymore, but I’ll continue to hope for it.
 
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For more tales of beauty in this series:

Karmen's story
Kelly's story

13 comments:

  1. Marla, there are so many thoughts running through me after reading this, things I would love to shout out or whisper to you, but I don't want to clog this space with words. But this one thing - I feel you have powerfully demonstrated what honoring your mother looks like in direct contradiction to accusations she has flung at you in her brokenness. You have honored her with grace, forgiveness, recognition, with your openness to hope even as you wrestle with what that looks like practically. You have done more than I think I could have in your shoes. I'm so sorry for your pain, beautiful friend. And I stand amazed at what God has done and continues to do in your life. I LOVE who you are.

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    1. Thank you so very much Amber! For asking me to write for your project, first of all; but also for the beautiful support and encouragement. Thank you for your kindness and your heart toward what I have written. What I hope for putting my story "out there" is that other people can see the power of God's redemption in really painful circumstances when we seek it. Also that we don't have to be defined or limited by those circumstances either. I often receive the comment, "You would never know you come from that!" Yes, thankfully I am not defined by the heartache or bitterness, but recognized more by God's grace, forgiveness, and healing. It is a humbling and miraculous gift. PS--I love who you are too. =)

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  2. I agree with Amber, Marla - your prayers, your forgiveness, your grace AND your willingness to admit the hurt and pain are all ways of honoring your mother. To honor something in the Hebrew bible means to recognize its weight. The parent-child relationship is a weighty thing that influences all of life whether we ever met our birth parents or not. You recognize the weight of that relationship and continue to hand it over to God. I truly believe that your willingness to do that will have an extremely positive effect on your relationship with your daughter. Thanks so much for sharing. I'll admit I was hesitant to read this because my relationship with my own mother has been difficult in recent years - I need to attend to that more.

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    1. Wow, Kelly. So beautifully said. I didn't know that about the Hebrew for honor, but that leaves a lot of room for different kinds of relationships, or lack of. Thank you for this.

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    2. Thank you Kelly for your encouragement and insight! I agree with Amber that having better understanding about honor and the original intention in that context provides a lot of room for varying kinds of relationships. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment and for your positive contribution.

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  3. How wonderful that you are the one to break the chains of pain and lack of love! In your lifetime, in your life you get to see God's grace making a new kind of mother/daughter relationship.

    Thanks for sharing your story with us.

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    1. Isn't that the miracle, Constance? That utterly new and different relationship is a glorious redemption, indeed.

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    2. Thank you Constance! I was utterly determined that any child of mine would feel loved beyond measure and I feel so blessed by God's gift in helping me to do that. =)

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  4. Oh, Marla. Your beautiful heart shines straight through your words. I can only imagine the pain you've experienced over these years, but yes, dear woman, Christ is writing a redemption story straight through you to generations to come. Bless you as you journey through healing. Much love.

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    1. I love that, a redemption story straight through to future generations. He is amazing in faithfulness. I appreciate your presence here, love. So glad you could "meet" Marla and her beautiful heart.

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  5. Oh Marla. If I could reach through the screen or stretch my arms across the miles, please know that I would. Stories like yours beg for touch, I think. At least that's the response that rises in me ...

    And when you sent that card and wrestled with it so hard - friend, can I just whisper some words Jesus spoke over you? "She did what she could." It was enough what the woman who anointed him for his burial did and it is enough for you to send even a generalized Mother's Day sentiment. Do what you can do. There is no shame or condemnation in that. He sees you and he knows. Praying that peace washes over you tonight ...

    Thank you for your beautiful candor, Marla. So very nice to meet you here.

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    1. YES...oh yes, Kelli. Amen. How I appreciate your heart here.

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  6. This was so beautifully and gracefully written. You opened the door to your heart wide here and pure love poured out, even if it is a hard kind of love, a love forged in the fires of pain., it is love. I am a better person having read this.

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