Friday, March 8, 2013

Five-Minute Friday: Home

I fly above or below the radar through so many days.

My husband and I drive to our weekly community group and the air is heavy between us, sadness filling the space with things I don't know how to carry all at once.  I look away, out the window, and my tears leak out of ducts that just won't shut when I want them to.  I long to be a bird and fly away, away from life.  But instead we pull up to the house, climb the steps, and I pause to breathe deep, walk through the front door with a smile.  Fake it til' you make it, that's how it is sometimes.  I don't have the energy to land, to be known, not tonight.  

And truth be told, there is no place to land, sometimes, in all this hovering and ducking and strain of wings in flight.  No space that opens wide the door to timid knocking, to step through and embrace the one with shoulders slumped on the front porch.  

And sometimes, it's a brief and beautiful landing.  

photo credit
It's the gentle tapping of a friend on the shoulder at church; the one who saw, across the room, that I was not myself.  The one who bridged the gap between us, opened the door and pulled me in with arms and soft prayers.

It's my husband, rising from his desk this week and pulling me to the bedroom to wrap me tight, whispering that this is more important than work, while I soak his chest and there is no air between us. 

It's the space in the shower when I can't hold it in any longer, and I'm alone, but the cold tile walls are the chest of God.  

It's the space where I uncover my soul in written word, and I am not ashamed to tell the story that is unraveling imperfection, the "gritty, messy stories of the still-lost." 

These are but shadows of home and I continue to hover and land, hover and land.  I carry home with me and it carries my wings in its draft, and I know, too, it waits for me ahead. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

[This post took much longer than five minutes to come out, but I still wanted to post it with FMF.  Some weeks are like that, and I just go with it.  And if you want to listen to some music that moves the soul while you read, be my guest.]


  1. Awesome post! I am visiting from five minute fridays. Thankyou for going ahead and posting even though it might have taken longer to type. I think its something I needed to read. Blessings to you

  2. Oh, my word! I love this post! You have an amazing talent to weave your words together to form something beautiful and moving! Thanks for visiting my blog. I will be back! Have a wonderful weekend!

    1. Why, thank you so much! I'm so touched by your words. Isn't it inspiring to visit each others' sites and read the unique voices? I love it...

  3. reading these words makes Seattle feel all that much farther away, you know that don't you?

    i wish i could be that safe landing place, another chest to bang or soak, as you see fit, friend. oh, i *do* know the lonelies of which you speak. the feeling misunderstood and the longing to find only that communion of knowing and being known.

    even though my words are limited by a screen, please believe that you are held close in my heart, Amber. and know that He's not limited by a screen or anything else. you are held by Him in wilder ways that your very best hopes. all my love.

    1. Kelli, it's a wonderful strange new experience for me, to feel the heart of another not limited by a screen - and I'm finding that in a few beautiful, kindred spirit writers like yourself. I want you to know, I felt your words, as if you were speaking them to my face. You bless me so much, and this day, I am thankful to call you my friend. All my love to you, too.