Friday, February 7, 2014

How writing changes me




Sometimes I feel like that little girl in fifth grade who, when asked what she wanted to be when she grows up, once replied "Shamu's trainer at Sea World." I still don't feel I deserve the title of "grown up." And while it's getting a little easier to say "I want to write" when people ask what my job aspirations are, it not only feels as elusive as my fifth grade dream, it doesn't quite seem honest.  

My 'job aspiration,' you see, is not writing.  Writing is what I do because it fuels my tank; because the fire lighting up my insides has to have somewhere to go; because, without writing, I might as well walk around with my eyes shut.  If one day I happen to find a way to make some money doing it, I will consider myself blessed, but no, this is not what I strive for. 

The more I write my journey these past six years of blogging, the more I see: this is not about job aspiration.  The truth is, I don't have job aspirations.  The term, itself, sets my nerves on edge.  

My vocabulary has changed.

I used to be driven by career aspirations, but at some milepost on this six year journey, I looked behind to see my old self wasn't moving with me.  I used to say I lost my ambition.  Now I see, the ambition is still there, it's merely morphed, the way river rapids eventually taper into softer flowing waters.  

Writing has helped shape my vocabulary, given voice to my evolving priorities. 

As long as I remain at my current job, I will continue to receive the questions, the raised eyebrows of "Why?"  Why waste your talent, your education?  Don't you want to advance your career?  Perhaps I'll be writing this same thread until the most natural thing is for me to answer them honestly, without self doubt or criticism.

My aspirations have little to do with my job these years, and I'm edging slowly into acceptance of this truth.  

Because, you see, I aspire to be a wife who loves her husband without keeping score; who forgives quickly, lets go completely, admits her faults readily; who gives the benefit of the doubt, bears all things, hopes all things, refuses to give up in the darkest of nights.

I aspire to be a friend who is true to her word; who gives sacrificially; who walks beside others for the long haul and helps them know they're not alone; who speaks hope and life, truth in love, and always grace. 

I aspire to be a daughter who cherishes the time she has with her Mama, however long or short it is, because this, she knows, is one of life's greatest gifts.

I aspire to be a writer who is brave in vulnerability, with eyes turned not only at her own story, but outward and upward.  A writer who seeks not her own glory, but the glory of the Author and Giver of words themselves, who dares to breathe on them and light the fire in her belly, to lay the trail across the pages of her life. A writer who helps others believe in beautiful redemption and hope, in the courageous living and telling of their stories.

These, you see, are my aspirations.  And because I write them out, again and again, I know them in my knower more than I ever have.

One day, they will be a second skin.

. . . . . . . . . . 

Find me - and a group of wonderful writers - over at Lisa Jo's place today for this beautiful Friday tradition called Five-minute friday (the rules, of which, I shamelessly break every week). 






13 comments:

  1. All worthy aspirations! There are so many ways to define ourselves and our purpose - from this lens, a career seems like one of the least meaningful possibilities. Thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts and I am looking forward to reading more.

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    1. You're so right, Katy - there are many 'lens' through which we can see and interpret our purpose and define ourselves. I know many who have careers who also manage to aspire to things greater than this. This non-career lens is just a new-ish one that I'm learning to see through, and for now, it fits me very well. It's a pleasure to 'meet' you here and thank you for sharing your thoughts!

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  2. Amber, wow Girl, that is a seriously sweet and deep post. How ever did you manage all that in 5 minutes? Dang, girl! I appreciate the way you think and so relate...writing..it's like breath, right? Not optional. We must inhale! Thank you for the inspiration. AFter you at Lisa Jo's and honored to meet another woman blessed with the gift of words...;) Happy Friday!

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    1. Oh Dawn, are you kidding, girl? I didn't write this in 5 minutes! I always try to include my little 'disclaimer' at the end with the link-up, but it seems to get overlooked. I unabashedly break the 5 minute rule pretty much every week :-D. But it's so good to hear you relate, that these words somehow offered you a bit of inspiration. It's a gift, isn't it, to be able to give that to each other? I feel so blessed to have had you here and I hope to 'see' more of you!

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  3. "I still don't feel I deserve the title of 'grown-up'." I face this struggle every day! I loved this post, it reflects my heart and the heart of so many out there who know the call is there to write.

    Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only adult who struggles with this! Grateful to God that this post reflected your heart. Praying grace and freedom for you as you embrace more this call to write, whatever it may look like for you.

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  4. Again, my beautiful daughter, so beautifully written. God bless you with the desires of your heart because they are from Him.

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  5. Such a beautiful post...beautiful sentiment expressed, and great observation of just how writing helps us see. Truly, it does. Your mention of "a writer who seeks not her own story..." makes me think of Baruch (I mention the post on my FMF this week), the God called writer of the OT whose experience always reminds me to keep my writing priorities straight. Always enjoy your site. Blessings....Lisa@mywordstudy.com

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  6. I feel much the same way about writing… it is healing and makes me feel whole.

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    1. Yes, it is healing, isn't it? I feel my truest self when I'm writing, like a glimpse of wholeness. Be blessed on this writing-life journey, for it is so much more than writing...

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  7. Amber. Oh my. Your whole honest humble, grace-filled post, and then your words right here: "I feel my truest self when I'm writing, like a glimpse of wholeness. Be blessed on this writing-life journey, for it is so much more than writing…"
    Sister, you are speaking TRUTH! Man, I relate!
    I must say that I am continually inspired by the ways you focus on "what is greater" -- the deeper things of the heart, how you love, how you live. AND what an amazing writer you are! I'm so blessed to call you, friend.
    This is all so lovely. Love you.

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    1. I'm so blessed you take the time to know my heart, to 'see' me. I count your friendship a rich gift, indeed. xoxoxo

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