Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Brave words: I need you (@ Chronicles of Grace)

I didn't let him see me cry, those precious few minutes each Sunday afternoon I sat with glass between us and talked to him through a phone.  He wore an orange jumpsuit and I couldn't get over how broken he looked, no longer the Papa I knew who wore colorful ties and stood each Sunday before the church to preach and told jokes and laughed from his belly

I looked into his eyes and saw rivers of sadness and shame and hid my pain away, these nine months of Sundays, because I couldn't bear to show him mine.  At home in my room, I pulled down the shoe box filled with folded yellow letters in Papa's careful script and wept for the dad I couldn't admit I needed. 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

It's one of those parts of me I can't trace back to a specific place or event in time, only that it's as if I were born with an innate self-moderating device which gagged my voice, made me shrink back from needing.

I'm honored to have been invited to guest post at my friend Kelli's place today, for a series this month on "Brave words" - so will you join me there for the rest of this story? 

Thank you, from my heart.


  1. I am unable to comment on Kelli's blog, I am not sure why, so I will comment here instead. Sometimes when I read your words, I think I am you or you are my words, thoughts. Are stories are different, but the words are so much the same. I will message you something that I wrote a few months ago. It has an echo of much of what you say here. Oh friend how I am sorry that we did not meet sooner, but I have to trust that God knows why this is.

    1. Yes! Please send your words to me - I'd love to read them. I know, I don't often understanding his timing, either... but I am grateful that we can have real friendships here, even if they aren't ever in person (though I think we may meet one day). And, I have trouble posting on Kelli's (or sites like hers) unless I choose to post via Facebook (one of the options). I don't what a lot of the other choices are! Thank you, for coming back here and sharing your thoughts.

  2. I wish that blogs had a like comment button =)