Monday, August 23, 2010

Flying leap

Too often I forget that I am not a mystery to God. Unlike any other relationship I've experienced or will experience, with God I am fully known. I can't even comprehend that, it's so foreign. So easily I lose the wonder of how, with that astounding knowledge, I am still profoundly and completely loved and accepted by Him. That no amount of bad behavior or saintly deeds will tip the scales of His love even one iota in either direction, of more or less love.

I know all this, and still, I overwhelmingly relate to Him as I do to human beings: with a slight sense of insecurity and doubt that anyone's love is actually immovable and everlasting. Even the ones who love you the most - perhaps a family member or lifelong friend or spouse - are not immune from disappointment. They may never stop loving you, but at some point in the relationship, they will be disappointed in you. Somehow, usually unintentionally, you will let them down, and they may love you through it but not without strain on the relationship. They had an expectation of you, fair or not, and you didn't meet it. Or perhaps, you will let yourself down, falling short of some mark you aimed for, causing scrapes and bruises to your sense of worth. If you haven't been there, and I venture that most of us have, you will be.

But not so with God.

If with God I am fully known, then He has seen my entire life and can have no delusions about me. God cannot have expectations of me, because He has already seen and experienced my existence outside of time, from beginning to end of my life. Without these expectations, how can He ever be disappointed in me, as that persistent fear tucked away deeply in the folds of my soul seems to whisper throughout my life?

There's a sobering vulnerability that comes with being fully known. If you think about it for even a minute, it can actually be a little frightening. And then, with time, this vulnerability gives way to expansion. Freedom, as far as the eye can see. There need not be any pretending with God, no performing or impressing or convincing. Only the humility that comes with vulnerability and the trust of true submission. Not submission in a heavy-handed sort of oppressive sense, but the kind of submission that says, "I trust you, with everything in me, and I receive your love." After over twenty-five years of consciously being on this journey of knowing God and being known by Him, I am still learning this. And when I find myself evaluating God's thoughts and feelings toward me based on my experiences with people and imperfect love and unmet expectations, I feel Him gently directing me back to this place of vulnerability. Reminding me that, while fully man, He is fully Divine, and wholeheartedly offers His love without fail.

In order to love more like that, I realize I must first accept it for myself. Thankfully, He even gives me the love to love Him, to love myself, and then to turn and love others. It's a beautiful, mysterious exchange that requires only, and yet sometimes difficultly, an open heart. To take a flying leap off the ledge of human reason and experience into the great Unknown of being fully known in God's arms - this is the challenge I face; we all face. To know freedom and everlasting love requires this leap. God, as often as I doubt Your love, please help me to take that leap...


  1. beautiful. these are words that i know but long to tattoo on my heart and never forget. thanks for sharing your heart!

  2. Thanks for reading! I read some of your blog, too, and I feel a kindred spirit with you in the way that you are raw in your honesty, reflecting the grace and beauty of God in your being in process. Keep writing!