There was a time when certain words made me uncomfortable to hear, back when the "f" word was only four letters, instead of ten.
That's right, fellowship.
I have different words that settle in different ways on my ears and in my heart than they used to, and not because they are vulgar to me or possibly anyone else. No, it's that they trigger anxiety that springs from someplace inside me I can't entirely map out. Only, that I know when I hear this word fellowship, and words like it, I feel I would like to turn and run the opposite direction.
Slip right out the back door. Tune out.
It's not until recently I started paying attention to this anxiety - this specific strain of it that surfaces when I'm in churches, or hanging out with a group of Christians, or reading things written in the language of Christian culture - without a heap of guilt. Even though, I feel that guilt, too, as I write this, crowding in my periphery, and another "f" word, fear. Fear of being offensive. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being alone.
For the rest of this story, would you click here to follow me over to Kelli's? She has graciously hosted me today for the weekly link up of Unforced Rhythms.
Amber, I went over and read your heartfelt post. I wanted to wrap my arms around you. My sister and her family once left a wonderful church because they also felt the pressure of doing, and the unspoken judgment when they weren't busy all the time. I have often lamented that sometimes we Christians block the view of our Lord. And sometimes, if I'm totally honest, I make a better wall than a door myself.
ReplyDeleteOh, that we would embrace each other in the refreshing presence of the Lord, and release our own agendas to the moving of His Spirit.
A grace-full and honest post today - so thankful for your honesty.
GOD BLESS!
Ahhhh, Sharon. Yes. We sometimes do block that view of him, don't we? I do, I know.
DeleteThank you for your words that, if not physically, still wrap around me. It is not necessarily for a desperate need for healing that I wrote these words about church... but more, a desire to see shifted (even if only in myself) this idea that in order to be "involved" in church, it must coincide with what a local church is doing. That healing doesn't necessarily imply we will become intimately involved as such, but having a resting place where we can meet together and be encouraged in our journey together toward Christ outside the walls the walls of any building, this is my heart. As you said, "to release our own agendas" - and to value who each other is more than those agendas.
I'm so honored by your presence and words here today - thank you for this grace.
Yes, the "f" word that freaks me out - right along with the "c" word: community.
ReplyDeleteUh, yeah. Me, too. And "connect" (read: "Are YOU connected??").
DeleteI really get this Amber, as our family has grown and with my recent struggles we've been able to DO less and less at church. This can feel very awkward, especially at a young church plant where there are plenty of rolls to be filled. I've been changing my thinking lately though about what really counts as "contributing." I feel that my presence is just as powerful as my actions, so even coming and being present is "doing" something. Each and every spirit present or absent changes the experience of worship together. (not that most churches see it this way!) I also have had to rethink what I give - is my brokenness and need for rest something my church needs? I think so. In coming and spending a Sunday morning in tears or silence I believe I'm witnessing to the truth that there are moments in our journey that are tear-filled or when we have nothing to offer but our need. Also, I guess I'm just learning to be ok with where God has me - limited, resting and in need of healing - this is a season and it too can bear fruit. Thank you for your beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes. I really love how you've redefined what "doing" is, what you give... presence is huge, and so is offering brokenness and a glimpse of your journey that is not put together or without sadness. I have felt this, too, but not put it into words like that. Whether or not most churches see it this way, I think it helps to know we can affirm these ways of giving in ourselves and in each other. Thank you, Kelly. I always feel grateful for the insights you offer here.
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